Let It All Out
by Purplesuberu
Summary: After the one night stand, Elizabeth reflects on her feelings for Jason and Lucky.


Elizabeth Spencer lowered herself to the familiar seat, running her fingers against the grainy wood.

She had left Jason's only minutes before, and the full weight of everything that had happened tonight was finally beginning to take its toll on her.

She hadn't gone over to his apartment tonight with the intention of sleeping with him. She had only wanted to find friendship, somebody fiercely loyal who would convince her that she was strong, that she was enough. Somebody who would reassure her that she was worth it, that Lucky was crazy not to want to be with her. Yet when the tequila had made its way into her system, the words that Jason had said to her had been enough.

He had told her that she was beautiful.

They didn't ring true the way they did when Lucky had said them to her. He didn't look at her the same way, make her feel as though he meant every single word. But her head swimming with alcohol, her heart aching with pain, that had been enough.

She wanted somebody to take the pain away. She wanted to forget….just forget everything that had happened over the last few years. Forget the comfort her husband had provided. The safety. The happiness. The love.

Her eyes misted over a bit as she thought of him once more, but she refused to let them fall, to let that bastard effect her in this way. But even her brain couldn't remove the pain that sat right in the middle of her chest, the pain and emptiness that had been gradually growing inside of her for months now. Observing her first surgery, she had wondered how that misshapen, lumpy heart could really be the organ that held the highest capacity for love. But as her chest ached, she knew without a doubt that it was true.

Jason hadn't been able to take any of it away. After they had sex, he had held her, and they exchanged meaningless words with each other. She needed so badly to rationalize what had happened, to make herself believe that she did love Jason, or that she had loved him. Meaningless words, interspaced with meaningless kisses, that didn't make her feel any more whole.

She was still empty. The truth was that she had clung to Jason in her youth when Lucky was gone. When she was caught up in a waking nightmare that nobody could truly understand, he had been there for her. She had only wanted to be with him so that she could have somebody there with her when she couldn't have Lucky. She had spent too many years being alone.

Just like now. She wanted to hate Lucky for what he'd done, wanted to come to understanding with it. She wanted so badly for the rage to subside, for quiet indifference to take its place.

But she also knew it was hopeless.

She had given Jason her body. With the right words and enough alcohol, anybody could have had it. It no longer mattered. There would never be any more gentle caresses, any more whispered words of love as she joined her body with somebody else. She had given everything she had to Lucky - her heart. Her soul. She had nothing left to give - not to Jason or anybody else.

She felt pain shoot through her and wondered if that's how it was with Maxie. Did he tell her she was beautiful? Take the time to explore every curve of her body as though it was the first time? Did he…did he tell her that he loved her?

Even as the tears came and the sobs racked her body, she willed herself to stop. She would have given anything to erase the last few months, to change every action she had taken. She knew something was wrong long before he ever left the hospital, but instead of dealing with it she had run away, spending more time with Jason than at home. Lucky had saved her, and she was afraid that she couldn't save him, so instead tried to fix the problems of the rest of the world. It was easier that way - to pretend that her whole world wasn't falling apart.

He had been so brave, so strong…how had this happened to him? Better yet, how could she have let it?

He should have been in rehab months ago. If he had none of this would have ever happened, and they would be home right now. Cameron would be asleep by now, and he would turn the radio on low, dancing and singing to her until they fell asleep in each other's arms…

"Stop it!" She was surprised to learn that the words had come from her own mouth, the torment of their life together becoming too much to bear.

Pulling herself together, she readied herself to return to her grandmother's house. Audrey had somehow known how much being even there would upset her, and had set her up in Sarah's old room. That was the only room in the house that didn't hold memories of the two of them…the only place she wouldn't have memories connected to every item.

On the slow walk home, she was bombarded with images of their life together. Was there a single place in Port Charles that she didn't associate with him?

More than anything, she wanted her best friend back. The one that had held her and comforted her before they had gotten back together. The only person who would sit silently and listen to every word she had to say, giving her an honest answer even when she didn't necessarily want one. As much as she hated him, she still worried about him, still worried the drugs that had consumed his world would eventually take him from it.

Pulling the key out of her pocket, she fitted it into the lock, putting on her most stoic face. She would call Lulu in the morning, make sure she and Bobbie got him the treatment he so desperately needed. He had hurt her so completely, but she certainly wasn't going to stand back and watch him slowly kill himself.

Although she had lost everything else, she still had Cameron. He alone would help her get through this, let her forget all about Lucky. At least she hoped so…


End file.
